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Posted: 28 Nov 2010 01:30 AM PST
DOES HONESTY help you have a better mood? In an article on the practical advantages of honesty, I look at the research, and the answer appears to be yes, in the long run. Below are some of the reasons. You can read the whole article here: Deep Honesty. These are some of the ways greater openness and honesty can make you feel good more often:1. More closeness in relationships. One of the biggest advantages of becoming more honest is that your relationships will be closer. That is, you'll have a greater feeling of connection to the people you're honest with and you'll feel more love for them. John Gottman, a researcher at the University of Washington and the author of The Relationship Cure, found to his surprise that some couples who avoid disagreements stay together. Yes, you read that right. These marriages are "successful" in the sense that they are long-lasting. But Gottman also found they are lonely marriages.
You can avoid conflict by hiding your likes and dislikes, but you forfeit closeness. Part of feeling close to someone is that they know you. And the only way for someone to get to know you is for you to be honest.
It's ironic that the main reason people avoid conflict is because they want to be loved. We pretend to be what we aren't, to like what we don't like, we don't speak up about what we really want or feel. We don't want disagreements. We don't want to be rejected. We don't want to hurt the other person or be hurt by them. We want love.
But love flows through communication. Communication is like a pipeline between two people. The more open we are, the more open the pipeline. And this same pipeline is how love and affection flow from one person to another, so the more open the pipeline, the more love and affection can flow through it.
By hiding parts of themselves, people narrow the pipeline, thus closing off the very thing that they want in their attempt to get it.
Become more open and honest with the people you love, and you open the channel. You'll experience greater love and affection, and that's the best possible thing you can do for your mood.
2. Relationships improve over time. Another thing Gottman discovered about "avoidant couples" (couples who tend to avoid disagreement) is that when they first get married, they were happier than honest couples. They were happier with their marriage.
But three years later, the situation had reversed. The avoidant couples weren't as satisfied with their marriage and more of them had divorced or were headed for divorce. And the more honest, open couples were now happier with their marriages because their marriages had improved.
Honesty helps relationships improve. Honesty allows problems to be solved. You can't solve a problem if you don't really know what it's about! It's like two people trying to put together a jigsaw puzzle when one of you has some pieces in your pocket. It doesn't matter how committed you are or how hard you try, you will never be able to solve that puzzle. Honesty helps relationships improve over time.3. Higher quality people in your life. Julian Rotter of the University of Connecticut compared the social lives of habitually honest people with the social lives of people who agreed with statements like, "You have to hide your feelings from others," and "You can't afford to be honest." He found that honest people had a tendency to attract trustworthy, truthful, supportive people into their lives. The less honest people tended to attract disloyal, evasive, unreliable people into their lives.
Your honesty literally repels dishonest people away from you and attracts honest people to you. Dishonesty repels honest people and attracts dishonest people into your life.
So simply by becoming more honest, the quality of the people you interact with will improve over time.
4. Better physical health. Researchers have studied this one quite a bit. The leader of the pack is James Pennebaker of Southern Methodist University, author of Opening Up: The Healing Power of Expressing Emotions. The National Science Foundation and the National Institutes of Health have helped fund his research. Pennebaker found that people who habitually withhold information about themselves, especially about traumatic events, are much more susceptible to contagious diseases than people who are more open and honest.
One qualification you should know about is that you should only reveal your honesty to people you can trust. But given that limitation, honesty improves your immune system. It's good for your physical health, and that's good for your mood.
5. Better mental health. In a survey of 425 psychologists, social workers, psychiatrists, and marriage and family counselors, almost all of them (96%) thought that becoming more "open, genuine, and honest" was an essential requirement for mental health. Let me point out that they didn't merely think honesty was a good idea. These people, who spend every day working with peoples' real-life problems, are convinced that honesty is essential for mental health. A requirement.
Of course. Think about it. Sanity entails dealing with reality. Honesty is about reality. It's about admitting the truth to yourself and also admitting it to others. Honesty equals sanity. Deceit and pretense are bad for your mental health.
6. Feel better in general. In a study by Santa Clara University in California, researchers found that people who habitually keep secrets, especially about embarrassing or painful experiences, tend to suffer from more colds, more fatigue, and more aches and pains. And they have higher levels of depression and anxiety.
Dishonesty produces unpleasant side-effects. Becoming more honest will make you feel better in general.
7. Suffer less stress. The reason a needle jumps around so much on a lie detector is that lying is stressful. So is pretending, withholding, and misleading. If a person is dishonest with a stranger, the event is only temporarily stressful. But in a close relationship, the deceit needs to be maintained, which causes prolonged stress.
You can't relax and be yourself when you're hiding and pretending.
Often honesty causes conflict, which also causes stress. But greater honesty will lower your stress level in the long run. Problems get solved and you no longer have the ongoing stress of hiding and pretending.
8. Trust. When you're honest, people tend to trust you. I have seen no scientific studies on this, but I'll bet the research will eventually prove it true. People can sense honesty.
And when you're honest, you trust yourself more. It takes a certain amount of discipline to be honest and in the demonstration of your honesty, you learn you can count on yourself. So another side-effect of being honest is that you'll feel better about yourself.
Honesty is the best policy. Not because someone in authority says it is. Not because you might get found out. But because it has practical benefits in your life — benefits that outweigh the costs in the long run by a long shot. Increase your level of honesty and you'll feel great more often.
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